oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
