I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
