chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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