piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
