One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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