she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
