he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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