hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
