I didn't shave. On purpose
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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