I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
