Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
