someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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