found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
