Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
