i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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