He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
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I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that