so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
