I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize