dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
