Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
