Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
