Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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