I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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