I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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