Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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