On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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