see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
