she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
