this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
