I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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