On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
