Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
