Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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