I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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