she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
