I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
