My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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