i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
