you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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