After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
