We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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