Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
