The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
