Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
