I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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