I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
