I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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