I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
