They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
