she was so not down for the gang bang
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
