There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
