Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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