Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
