My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
