A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I checked into jail on foursquare
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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