Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
