Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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