He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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