I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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