god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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