Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
