I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
