So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
