My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
As shirtless as possible
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
