I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
