I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We are two peas in an std pod
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
